Completely Inappropriate; a Guide to Life.

Stanky Bert

I've had alot of fun putting this video together. I've posted it on Facebook, Vimeo and of course, YouTube. Hopefully people will enjoy it as much as I have.

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

So you wanna lose a few extra pounds, or maybe more. Maybe you are carrying around a spare tire, a small child or even your twin in the folds of your jeans. Don't worry. Weight loss and the picture perfect skeletal framed you is just around the corner.

If you are going to lose significant amounts of weight in a short period of time, you are going to have to get organized and act decisively. The truth is, if you have less than a week to lose a dozen pounds, you need to be prepared to take some drastic action. To that end, I have only suggestion. Illicit drugs. Sure, they are illegal, addictive and as likely to take your life as they are to cause the pounds to melt away. If you do decide to go this route, I would like to submit to you cocaine and crystal meth. Just think "Whitney Houston".

Another viable option if you are not as pressed for time is anorexia. Really, if you are thinking Jack Skellington without the risk of jail time or getting a nasty VD from your dealer, anorexia is your best choice. Like everything in life, it does have it's risks... just ask Karen Carpenter.

As diseases and maladies go, Anorexia is coming back into vogue with famous adherents such as Lindsey Lohan, Wonder Twin Mary Kate Olsen and Posh Spice Victoria Beckham. Unfortunately for Tracy Gold, she fell out of love with food during the Magic Johnson 'AIDS Era', and couldn't entirely capitalize on her body turning in and feeding on itself.

If these options aren't entirely appealing to you, then I put forth this quick guide to wasting away without the fuss and muss.

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

While a life in the Tabloids with the likes of Bobby Brown is an attractive offer, the sheer amounts of phen-phen and laxatives that you'd have to consume would be a considerable barrier to entry. What you might want to consider, after you have tried every fad diet, miracle pill and snake oil salesmen is an artfully orchestrated balance between diet and exercise.

Lets begin with exercise.

Basic principle. You are not Lance Armstrong. You either have too many or too few testicles and lets not even think about those love handles. It's more cushion for the pushin', true, but you aren't going to drag that ass across the finish line for a win at the Tour de France. Not this year. So lets be reasonable. How about a walk? Get out, get some fresh air and lets get on this whole health kick. If you want to spice it up, try some speed or power walking. If you have been hitting the yohimbe bark and feel adventurous, toss in some spurts of Jogging.

The key is this: Don't over do it.

Sure pain is weakness leaving the body, but if that pain lasts for 4 days or when the the weakness leaves, it takes a pint of blood with it, you aren't going to do yourself any good. Start slow. Join a gym, take a kick boxing class, get a walking buddy. Dogs are good for that. So are girlfriends. At least, that's what I hear.

Exercise, Do it. Something is better than nothing.

This brings us to diet. I don't care if you are training for the Boston Marathon, if Mrs. Freshley and Mrs. Butterworth are moving into prime real-estate on your ass, you are never going to lose any meaningful weight. In fact, it is a safe bet that you are going to spend life as a slovenly mess, get diabetes, lose both legs and die alone on your couch only to be found weeks later by a dozen firefighters and police officers investigating a report of a foul smell. Yes, it happens.

And it can happen to you.

While amputation and decomposition are effective in losing weight, they are even rougher than the phen-phen and laxatives. Instead you might want to apply a few of these rules to your diet.

1. If it is soda, pop, soda pop, cola, fizzy or whatever form of liquid sugar you find, it doesn't belong in your body. We use sugar water (D50/D25) to bring back diabetics from the brink of hypoglycemic induced DEATH. For your part, stick with water as a good any time drink.
2. Cutting out red meat isn't a half bad idea. Stick with the lean meats (Turkey, chicken, fish) and no pig. If you need a good reason, go to a pig farm and see how these things live. Trust me, it's not like Charlotte's Web.
3. 2,000 Calories. Its the reccomended diet for a reason. Your body uses a certain number of calories every day. If you use more calories than you consume then you will lose weight. If your body consumes more calories than it has within it, you begin to die. It's a fine line. 1,750-2000 calories should be a good marker for you.
4. Your diet should include several things in every meal. This list is known as the food pyramid. You may have also heard of it being called the Four Basic Food Groups. Pay attention. It's important to get ALL 4. Dairy especially. Keep cheese, milk and yogurt on hand. Have a serving of cheese with dinner (not fried cheese sticks, hippy) Chocolate milk with breakfast, a snack of yogurt/fruit diring the day.
5. Take a multivitamin every day. If you have to keep a bowl of fruit by the door and have your mom hide the vitamins in your morning banana or the hot dog that you sneak in for lunch. This will make sure that you are getting things in your diet like Vitamin b (aids the bodies efforts in absorbing nutrients) and potassium (keeps your heart in good working order, among other odd jobs). And yes, I know you get potassium from bananas and milk as well. I saw Honey, I Shrunk the Parents too.
6. Eat smaller meals more often. if you are eating 400 calories 5 times a day, you are keeping your bodies metabolism fired up and burning like a furnace.
7. Vegitables and fruit never count. Eat as much of those as you want. I never met a person that told me that they would have been a super model if not for that damn broccoli. Just be sure you do count whatever you put on the veggies and fruit, and apple pie doesn't count as apples.
8. Cheat. Pudding is great on occasion. Have a glass of wine, a pint of beer. Build it into the diet. This isn't Fat Camp. You have to like what you are eating if you are going to ever stick with it. Throw yourself a bone every day.

One last note. Like every diet, the results are going to be based on several factors... Specific consumption, daily activity levels and sex being chief among them. I have a job where I walk alot, and am a mid-20s male. I followed the diet for the most part... some days I was great at it, somedays I would join in on a pizza. I lost just over 30 lbs in September.

If you are a female, it will take you longer to lose weight than a male. It's not your fault. It is the way that evolution has caused your body to sustain weight. In the eyes of evolution, you need to be able to provide offspring in feast or famine. if you are starving to death, you can't pop out the babies and the species dies. This is why it is tougher for you to lose weight. It really is a good thing.

As in all things, consult a physician before participating in any type of metabolic activity or anything else you feel like doing. It's your body, but I don't want you wandering into my ER because you had to act the fool. Capiche?

So you wanna lose a few extra pounds, or maybe more. Maybe you are carrying around a spare tire, a small child or even your twin in the folds of your jeans. Don't worry. Weight loss and the picture perfect skeletal framed you is just around the corner.

If you are going to lose significant amounts of weight in a short period of time, you are going to have to get organized and act decisively. The truth is, if you have less than a week to lose a dozen pounds, you need to be prepared to take some drastic action. To that end, I have only suggestion. Illicit drugs. Sure, they are illegal, addictive and as likely to take your life as they are to cause the pounds to melt away. If you do decide to go this route, I would like to submit to you cocaine and crystal meth. Just think "Whitney Houston".

Another viable option if you are not as pressed for time is anorexia. Really, if you are thinking Jack Skellington without the risk of jail time or getting a nasty VD from your dealer, anorexia is your best choice. Like everything in life, it does have it's risks... just ask Karen Carpenter.

As diseases and maladies go, Anorexia is coming back into vogue with famous adherents such as Lindsey Lohan, Wonder Twin Mary Kate Olsen and Posh Spice Victoria Beckham. Unfortunately for Tracy Gold, she fell out of love with food during the Magic Johnson 'AIDS Era', and couldn't entirely capitalize on her body turning in and feeding on itself.

If these options aren't entirely appealing to you, then I put forth this quick guide to wasting away without the fuss and muss.

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

While a life in the Tabloids with the likes of Bobby Brown is an attractive offer, the sheer amounts of phen-phen and laxatives that you'd have to consume would be a considerable barrier to entry. What you might want to consider, after you have tried every fad diet, miracle pill and snake oil salesmen is an artfully orchestrated balance between diet and exercise.

Lets begin with exercise.

Basic principle. You are not Lance Armstrong. You either have too many or too few testicles and lets not even think about those love handles. It's more cushion for the pushin', true, but you aren't going to drag that ass across the finish line for a win at the Tour de France. Not this year. So lets be reasonable. How about a walk? Get out, get some fresh air and lets get on this whole health kick. If you want to spice it up, try some speed or power walking. If you have been hitting the yohimbe bark and feel adventurous, toss in some spurts of Jogging.

The key is this: Don't over do it.

Sure pain is weakness leaving the body, but if that pain lasts for 4 days or when the the weakness leaves, it takes a pint of blood with it, you aren't going to do yourself any good. Start slow. Join a gym, take a kick boxing class, get a walking buddy. Dogs are good for that. So are girlfriends. At least, that's what I hear.

Exercise, Do it. Something is better than nothing.

This brings us to diet. I don't care if you are training for the Boston Marathon, if Mrs. Freshley and Mrs. Butterworth are moving into prime real-estate on your ass, you are never going to lose any meaningful weight. In fact, it is a safe bet that you are going to spend life as a slovenly mess, get diabetes, lose both legs and die alone on your couch only to be found weeks later by a dozen firefighters and police officers investigating a report of a foul smell. Yes, it happens.

And it can happen to you.

While amputation and decomposition are effective in losing weight, they are even rougher than the phen-phen and laxatives. Instead you might want to apply a few of these rules to your diet.

1. If it is soda, pop, soda pop, cola, fizzy or whatever form of liquid sugar you find, it doesn't belong in your body. We use sugar water (D50/D25) to bring back diabetics from the brink of hypoglycemic induced DEATH. For your part, stick with water as a good any time drink.
2. Cutting out red meat isn't a half bad idea. Stick with the lean meats (Turkey, chicken, fish) and no pig. If you need a good reason, go to a pig farm and see how these things live. Trust me, it's not like Charlotte's Web.
3. 2,000 Calories. Its the reccomended diet for a reason. Your body uses a certain number of calories every day. If you use more calories than you consume then you will lose weight. If your body consumes more calories than it has within it, you begin to die. It's a fine line. 1,750-2000 calories should be a good marker for you.
4. Your diet should include several things in every meal. This list is known as the food pyramid. You may have also heard of it being called the Four Basic Food Groups. Pay attention. It's important to get ALL 4. Dairy especially. Keep cheese, milk and yogurt on hand. Have a serving of cheese with dinner (not fried cheese sticks, hippy) Chocolate milk with breakfast, a snack of yogurt/fruit diring the day.
5. Take a multivitamin every day. If you have to keep a bowl of fruit by the door and have your mom hide the vitamins in your morning banana or the hot dog that you sneak in for lunch. This will make sure that you are getting things in your diet like Vitamin b (aids the bodies efforts in absorbing nutrients) and potassium (keeps your heart in good working order, among other odd jobs). And yes, I know you get potassium from bananas and milk as well. I saw Honey, I Shrunk the Parents too.
6. Eat smaller meals more often. if you are eating 400 calories 5 times a day, you are keeping your bodies metabolism fired up and burning like a furnace.
7. Vegitables and fruit never count. Eat as much of those as you want. I never met a person that told me that they would have been a super model if not for that damn broccoli. Just be sure you do count whatever you put on the veggies and fruit, and apple pie doesn't count as apples.
8. Cheat. Pudding is great on occasion. Have a glass of wine, a pint of beer. Build it into the diet. This isn't Fat Camp. You have to like what you are eating if you are going to ever stick with it. Throw yourself a bone every day.

One last note. Like every diet, the results are going to be based on several factors... Specific consumption, daily activity levels and sex being chief among them. I have a job where I walk alot, and am a mid-20s male. I followed the diet for the most part... some days I was great at it, somedays I would join in on a pizza. I lost just over 30 lbs in September.

If you are a female, it will take you longer to lose weight than a male. It's not your fault. It is the way that evolution has caused your body to sustain weight. In the eyes of evolution, you need to be able to provide offspring in feast or famine. if you are starving to death, you can't pop out the babies and the species dies. This is why it is tougher for you to lose weight. It really is a good thing.

As in all things, consult a physician before participating in any type of metabolic activity or anything else you feel like doing. It's your body, but I don't want you wandering into my ER because you had to act the fool. Capiche?

Me Vs. The DMV

I had to go to the DMV and get my drivers license taken care of. The reason for this is that a few months ago I got a parking ticket, which I didn't pay. After that I got a summons to court, which I ignored. That led to a warrant for my arrest, which I evaded and the eventual suspension of my license. But truth be told, suspension was a moot point because it had already expired. I broke a lot of laws. I called it a minor act of civil disobedience. I saw myself as a punk rock Gandhi.

Eventually you have to pay your debt to society, which is what I woke up saying that morning. "Today, I am going to repay my debt to society". My first stop of the day was at the local DMV out post, which I was informed was ill equipped to handle my problems. I was sent packing for the court house, where, I was presented with my initial fine. Almost triple the cost of the ticket with other penalties added I was quoted the price of $134.00. The problem is that they didn't take plastic. So I had to hit the ATM. Add $2.00, service charge. And no validation of parking Add $2.00 more. For that price I was handed a pink slip with all manner of information on it to take to another DMV post 20 minutes away. No problem. On my way I stopped off at the ATM for another twenty bucks for the impending re-issue fee. Add another $2.00 service charge. We are now at $140.00.

When I arrived at the DMV center, I was informed that the price was going to be another $35.00 for a reinstatement fee. I was given a number and a line to stand in. Eventually I found myself at the front of the line. I explained my situation and hoped for a quick and easy fix now that I had paid my fines. I was a bit overzealous in my optimism.

"Sir, there seems to be a few problems here. First your license is suspended".

"Which I already paid off" I added, pointing to my pink slip.

"And that brings us to the next problem. There is no date on this paper".

I tried to get her to look the other way while I wrote it, to no avail. She informed me that I needed to go back to the courthouse and get a date on the form, but that someone had to drive me since she had my license and it was suspended. The expired part didn’t seem too consequential to her. I was further informed that if I left in my car, the police would be sent after me.

I thought about it for a moment. I considered my predicament and realized that my options were closing off very quickly. All of my friends and family were at work, and Lizzie, my sister can’t drive. It’s not her fault. She is only 13. But what about the phones? I was given a number to call and a fax number. I asked if I could borrow her phone. "No".

My cell phone was out in my car, which I wasn’t sure I could go out to without someone callin' tha fuzz. In any event it was charging because it was dead. In a rare moment of helpfulness she pointed out a pay phone. Thankfully I had some change and was able to make the call...after waiting in line.

It was a good thing that this pay phone was there, because before I was directed to it, I was told that the DMV closed promptly at 5 PM. Which I replied that I would be there as long as it took, even if I had to stand at that desk all night and to emphasize the point I put both of my hands out on the counter in front of me, which caused an officer to come out from behind the counter and start eyeing me. But the problem was now that my 'give a damn' had vanished and I was only going to leave the DMV with either my license or in handcuffs. The handcuffs were more likely now.

Eventually the fax came through with all the information that she needed. There was another problem though. The date was illegible. The rest of it was crystal clear, but the date... it was a bit fuzzy...and crumpled... and completely freakin' unreadable. Fortunately for me the courthouse had included the receipts for my payment with dates on them clearly printed.

What I thought had saved me from another ATM service charge was the fact that the DMV took credit cards. When I handed my card to the attendant she looked at me and asked for a valid photo ID.

"Oh, you have my ID".

"It’s not valid" and then she went on to explain away. While she was talking about suspensions and recounting endless rules and regulations, i was pulling out every state and nationally issued card in my wallet. None with a photo. Finally I worked my way down to the discount cards and my college ID. The only photo was on my Reinhardt College meal card, not good enough. The only thing left in my wallet was 250 Iraqi Dinars and a picture of a ring. Emptying those out onto the counter I told her "This is all that I have, but I promise you that I am Tim Mason. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I wouldn’t be paying all this money and going through all this if I wasn't who I said I am". The officer had moved behind me and now had a hand on my shoulder. A couple of things need to be noted. First, I was not shouting. I was using a command voice, definitely projecting, but I was not shouting. Second, I was angry. Incredible hulk angry. 'You wouldn't like me when I'm angry' kind of angry. I could see my pulse, adrenaline was rushing.

"Look," I said, "A couple of weeks ago I got mugged in a MARTA station" And then I exaggerated a bit for effect. "They waved a gun in my face and told me to give them all my money. At least they were honest about it. You are doing the exact same thing and between the two, I would prefer to get mugged again". The officer was telling me to calm down and calling me son while the people in line behind me applauded. It was about to be "Rodney King does the DMV". I knew I was going to jail. There was no doubt in my mind. And I didn’t care. Damn the Man.

Thankfully everyone came to their senses and they decided to graciously take more of my money. Add another $35.00 for a reinstatement fee. I was up to $175.00. I was given the appropriate forms and sent to the next line. I had my wallet in one hand, papers in another and a police officer in tow.

Eventually I got to the front of that line as well. Paid the attendant and forms were filled out. but, as you have probably already guessed, there was a problem. "Are you sure?” I looked back to my new escort, “I’ve already had just about every problem that I think that you can have here".

The problem was that I am not Tim Mason. Who knew? I am Timothy Mason. My license said Tim Mason. Everything else said Timothy Mason. ”Tim ... Timothy. Are you kidding me?” Sadly, they weren’t. I had to once again prove that I was indeed me. Finger prints were taken and a background check was done. I kid you not. Eventually they decided that I was who I was no matter whether I was Tim or Timothy. Then came the final questions.

"Are you a US Citizen?"

"Yes, but I am really considering Mexico about now."

"Would you like to be an organ donor?"

Normally I would say yes, but even I have my limits. "No, you guys have my money, my time and my dignity. But my organs, those are MINE."

All that was left was to sign my name and to get my picture taken. What you see on my Drivers license is me saying something to the officer that I wouldn’t repeat in this magazine. What you don’t see is the officer standing right next to me telling me that he was going to be escorting me off the premises as soon as I was done.

Whatever it was, it started with the word "Blow".

Finally I was finished. I had my card in hand. And it was perfect. The picture was horrible, the signature was cut off, the address was wrong. It was absolutely perfect.

On the Rocky Road to Dublin

Its been thirty years now, thirty years of doing so many of the right things in the wrong way, but I am still walking that old conquistador path of Gold, Glory and God.  Someone told me the other day that my thirties would be alot like my twenties except with money. So far, I am still decently broke, but financially I am surging toward zero. I'll be out of debt someday. Someday soon. And as far as the rest of it, I still feel about the same as I did in my mid 20's so no real worries there.

Of course, I am about to start a work out regimen, something I have not had since ... well its been about a decade. I imagine for the first few weeks of that I am going to fast forward to 60 rather than live as a 30 year old.

My mother is taking today pretty hard. Today is the day that she turns old, never mind that she rounded the corner of 50 a few years back, the first born turning thirty is the final blow to her waning youth. Sorry mom, the alternative to turning 30 is not a pretty one.

___________

My son has a streak going. about a year ago, he decided that he was going to bleed like he had been attacked by a badger over what amounted to a paper cut on the finger... this was the night before Jenn's birthday last September. Last night, Jack took a spill head first into the coffee table, earning a goose egg and a tiny little 1/4 inch lac to the eyebrow. I thought that we were going to have a repeat of last years performance. Thankfully no, it bled far far less than I imagined it would. Head lacs usually bleed like crazy. this one put out a few drops and then closed up.

Not Wolverine-like healing, but still impressive.

Jenn has another birthday coming up in about 6 weeks. I'm going to put an ambulance on stand by in our drive way.

A Bad Beginning

This blog is about the inappropriate side of life, or at least my life. Its subject is the seven deadly sins and the host of other less lethal ones that follow along. Hopefully this blog will be somewhat productive, giving me a place to file away all the stuff that clogs my filters and leaves me limp. Because, really,  here I am. I'm turning 30 tomorrow, and I am just some guy trying to make it. I get angry in traffic, I cuss too much, and if I still drank, I'd be a blackout drunk. If I get pissed off at you, I'll usually cut you to pieces in my head with all the things that I wish I had the balls to say, but for some reason I just don't. And I tell inappropriate stories about work at the dinner table. I work on an ambulance, which is good for stories like that.

So, if you find this, God help you. If you enjoy it, good on you. And if you get any stupid ideas, don't try this at home.