Cakes and Pies continues today with a characteristically "Tim" scene. A mess. Be sure to check out my brilliant observation that I do indeed have a face, whereas Twinkies do not.
I don't have my own quote journal, but I take my inspiration from those who do, and lay the blame squarely at their feet. I took the last week to read back through Thomas Merton's The Seven Storey Mountain and found a quote that sums up my feelings on beginning to discover for myself the Liturgy of the Hours.
Yes, and from the secret places of His essence, God began to fill my soul with grace in those days, grace that sprung from deep within me, I could not know how or where.But yet I would be able, after not so many months, to realize what was there, in the peace and the strength that were growing in me through my constant immersion in this tremendous, unending cycle of prayer, ever renewing it's vitality, it's inexhaustible sweet energies, from hour to hour, season to season in its returning round.
I'm at a cross roads with myself at the moment. I've been talking with a former employer lately who is in a bit of a crunch, one that I can help him out of. In the past, I left embittered and insulted by dealing with this person, and had been holding onto a resentment that I've struggled to let go of. The advice I was given in dealing with the resentment was to pray for this person in the same way that I would pray for myself. Give them the benefit of the doubt and pray for their success, and not curse them to their ruin.
I've taken that advice, and it has worked for a great deal of the resentment that I need to let go of. Now I'm faced with doing them a favor. I'm tempted to turn them down flat. It's an ego thing. I don't like being screwed over, but I would do this for a stranger if asked. How can I pray for someone's success and happiness and then contribute against it, even if by omission.
The answer that I am considering is to do the favor, through which we both benefit, and call the account settled. The relationship can be considered amended from it's former broken state, and I'll have had a chance to put my ego aside for a moment and actually put my "high ideals" to practice despite a still lingering desire to flatten this guy's tires.
I'm going to need some help on this one. I really need to start praying more.
If you want to know my philosophy, I want to be able to provide more for my family, while working less. It's not that I'm lazy. It's not just that I'm lazy, I see myself with a couple of competing responsibilities, one of which takes major precedence over the other. My real job isn't in the medical field. My real job begins and ends with my family. What I do on the ambulance is a necessary secondary role, but if I can do that less and be a husband and father more while still providing for our particular needs, all the better.
This is why I can't do things like take a 24 hour shift on the ambulance. I would get paid less to work more. My boss has the wrong carrot and the wrong stick. I don't know that he has access to the right ones or would know them if he saw them. Maybe this is a situation of "if you don't get it, you never will".
Big Daddy EMS is a tough place to love right now. I've been shorted on a check and on overtime hours. I've been abused with the schedule conforming only to the will and whim of a supervisor who is a fan of the last minute and I've had a night that I was going to spend with my family taken by the same supervisor and his shenanigans.
I'm looking for an out. I've got a couple of ideas for the long term and a few on the short. Right now I'm just waiting to see what pans out. The great thing about EMS is that it affords plenty of off hours to enjoy the family. The poor thing about this company is that they can't decide when these off hours are.
I love my job. I'm frustrated with the company that I keep. BDEMS is on life support in my estimation. Time to figure out how to pull the plug.
Things that are sitting under my skin this morning:
-A note left on my desk about the mess of papers that people leave on my desk, tersely worded, to me.
My Response: File your own damn paperwork. I'm an EMT not some office puppet. For the moment, because of your defective equipment, I'm covering dispatch shifts. Still, not an office puppet.
-Constant reminders this week that they are doing me a favor by letting me off of work to help with a retreat.
My Response: It's no favor if I find my own replacement. You have no respect for the fact that I have a life and a family outside of work. We agreed to a specific schedule. That agreement has not changed. You have consistently stepped outside of it. Work on that.
-Setting schedules (errant, at that!) in stone only 3-5 days before the start of the work week. My Response: Work on that too. See again: Life and Family outside of work See also: Basic Respect.
My Response: Fix it.
-Shady Overtime Practices
My Response: What you are doing is illegal. It may be expensive to pay me what I've earned, but it's more expensive to pay fines for BREAKING THE LAW.
-Ugly Proposed Uniforms My Response- See: Mass Employee Migration, See Also: Basic Respect.
My break from work is coming to an end in the next few days. Tomorrow will be a mid-day run to the aquarium, Saturday, a Jazz festival and then Sunday night I drive back without my wife and son to get a good nights rest before lacing up my boots and getting back to work once again.
Today was a reminder of how much I need to dive back into my books. The American Heart Assoc. has changed the way that it teaches CPR. A new trick for an aging dog, old in EMS years. Time to pull out my ACLS book, Tarascon's Emergency Pharmacopoeia and idiots guide to starting an IV while taking a corner at 65mph.
I feel good about going back. Alot has changed, my life has changed and I have something to give again... sappy I know, but it's important to me to find meaning in the work that I do. A few of my former jobs have been for money, and I found no satisfaction. Tonight, I feel some anticipation at the thought of doing what I love. Now I do it for the people that I love. Not just the citizens that happen to be around me, but for my family, to provide food for the table. This is more a reflection of my family giving meaning to the life that I live.
The morning show for the local CBS affiliate is filming at my office today. Their segment is on the ghosts of Atlanta, everything from civil war spooks to information age specters. Our office is apparently home to one of the newer regional ghosts, a lawyer who was murdered by a client after a less-than-favorable legal outcome.
As far as I know, we work out of an old beat up building that has drafty doors and absolutely no spirits of the deceased. There are plenty of other spirits floating around. Could this be a case of spiritum causa spiritus? Possibly.
In any event, I doubt the presence of any malevolent spirits there beyond the living occupants supply of tequila, but this is a good reason to pull out a random Ghostbusters clip because, heck, they are all good.