I could just leave the title with no post beneath it, and it would be a pretty complete post. I really gotta get my life together. I've labored under the (false) assumption that if I keep doing the right thing that this will all just work out. IfI keepjust being a good guy andloving my family, as it is, that it will become what it should. That if I keep applying myself in my career, that I will rise to the level where I am best suited. And if Ijust wait and hold the line, my faith will fall into place.
It hasn't.
And it likely won't.
Without liberal applications of self preservation and forcing uncomfortable dialogue and moving out and getting on with my life nothing is going to change. I am where I am because I have been afraid to rock the boat. I am in my early thirties, young, healthy, intelligent and even reasonably good looking. I am faithful to a fault, and loyal. I make damn good bacon and I can grill a steak with skill.
My mom says that I am quite a catch.
But my life has gone to hell.
I am 13 years into a career on the ambulance that has gone nowhere. I have worked hard and done well, doing good. But I havent made sure that my needs are taken care of. I could support myself. Together, my wife and I can support each other and raise a son, but until I really get some retooling done on my career, I am going to be stuck in the same financial rut.
Then of course there is the marriage. We have our fifth anniversary coming up in just a couple of months... by couple, I really mean three, and we have a four year old son. Unfortunately, we also have a sexless relationship that has already entered its fifth year with us not having had sex since the conception of our son.
Sometimes I can cope well with being rejected. But there are times like now, not just today, but the past few weeks and months where I suffer. And by suffer, I mean that there is a microscope put on my life that reveals that I am not wired for this relationship. I cannot continue indefinitely. Six years ago I gave up on something that made me infinitely more miserable than I would have ever admitted. I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I love someone whose decisions have hurt me amazingly deeply. And it both complicates things and simplifies them that we are only married in the civil sense.
I want us to have a right relationship, to be married in the Church. I want us to have a healthy sexual relationship as well as being best friends. But this has my back pushed up against the wall. I also want to avoid playing fast and loose with my soul. It is easy to say death before mortal sin, but it isn't as easy to say divorce before mortal sin or absolute immolation of my sexual desires inside of a marriage before mortal sin. I have lost alot of trust in this woman. I don't trust that if we run off and get married in the Church that I will ever be in a relationship that is a shadow of what I would call a healthy marriage. I can't just say, when our sex life gets back to normal (ignoring that it was only "normal" for about 4 weeks six years ago) we can get married in the church, because there is the soul killing sin between the two points of where I am and where I want to be.
I could list the fixes that we have tried. You would probably come up with the same list if you sat down and wrote a list of things I should do. None of them have worked. We are looking at a 100% failure rate.
100%.
If I get my career righted, it affords the option of leaving and being able to care for my son the way he needs. It complicates things with her career, but if I leave, that is her problem. I need to look out for my son. I can't afford to let him grow up thinking that this is what a loving marriage looks like. It isn't. This is what a marriage between two broken people who can't admit that they are better off alone looks like.
I have got to push through school, no matter what it takes. I am essentially 18 months from being able to be on the financial footing that I need to backup what I know about my situation and make a healthy move out. I just finished some advanced certifications and can move up pretty easily now.
I resolved a few years ago, that I would do anything I could to avoid debt, but if I have to take on a small amount to pay for school, I would make that sacrifice. I've gotten out of over 27,000 dollars worth of debt through hardwork, and Icando the same for what amounts to 2,700 dollars.
I am far from where I want to be. I am trapped in a situation that keeps me from being able to fully live my faith. I am crippled as a Catholic, compromised as a father and ineffectual as a husband. I have to change this. I have to change every damn bit of it.
So, job one. I have to get my financial life right. If I get my financial house in order, I can seperate from a toxic marriage. If I can seperate from a toxic marriage, I can get my faith together and begin again living in an authentic way that is in harmony with what I believe. If I can do that, then I can raise my son from an uncompromised and redeemed footing.
And to start, I have to go back to school... again.
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