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June 2008
My Side of the Street
I want to thank you guys for the words of encouragement after a vague and ominous post. I appreciate it. Alot. The messages and advice were much needed and appreciated.
I was hoping that things would get better with some sleep. Most things do. Yesterday's crises fade with dawn. I don't know why, but thank God for it.
Yesterday's crisis has led into todays crises. The problem is more defined and the demons have fewer shadows to hide within, but the light has risen on some pretty scary things. Things I don't want to face down, and things that I don't have to face down. Not by myself. Thanks to a gut check of an email from one of my mentors, I realized that I've been paying so much attention to the lives of others (granted, Jack can't mind his own life yet) that I've let my own house get into a state of disarray. I haven't been cleaning up my side of the street while I've been looking at everything across the yellow line.
My side needs some work, but it isn't all bad. You could say that there has been alot of repaving going on in the last 18 months. The feelings have gotten to a point where they are overwhelming. Jenn and Jack bring me more joy than I can express, but also more apprehension and fear. Work, and more exactly, not working for the two and a half weeks after his birth were difficult. I could say that I was providing something for the two of them by being present completely, but that isn't the entire truth. The rest of the truth is that I also feel a need to club the saber-toothed tiger and bring home the steaks. Breaks in work rattle that equalibrium.
I love my son, but I have more to learn than I can even begin to tell you. I can't tell his cries apart. I have a list of things that I go through when he cries, every time. Pacifier, Swaddle, Diaper, Bottle, Burp. Sometimes, none of them work. Sometimes he cries until I put him down and go grab a coke or something. The other night I threw a pacifier across the room. He was in his crib in the next room, but I couldn't satisfy his needs. And it got to me.
Every once in a while I feel like he is the enemy, testing me and I keep coming up short.
All because a baby cries.
I'm going to cut this post short. I have more that I need to talk about, but I need to get some sleep first. Thanks again for all the encouragement. I appreciate it. It's helped me today in ways that I didn't even know I needed help.
My Vent
It's 1 am, and I'm home alone. It's looking like it might be this way for a while, or maybe it won't. The last few weeks have been harder than they should have been, maybe harder than we deserved, but then again, who am I to say what we deserve. I wasn't there when the boundry of the ocean was set.
Tonight, once again, I'm sleeping alone. Jenn is on her way out of town with the baby and I'm going to be following after tomorrow's shift.
Man-ing up is tough. Unfortunately it's required.
For those that do, Send up some prayers on our behalf. We're looking for the turn around right now. It's been very tough few weeks, and I didn't even take the brunt of it.
My Sympathy Post
Dear Florida and California,
My Suspension of Disbelief
One of the big treats of my weekend away with the family was the chance to get out and see a movie as adults instead of throwing in the netflix and just hope that the kidlet would sleep all the way through.
We went to a real theater. We saw a full length movie and we even got popcorn. The popcorn is a bigger thing than you would think, having been verboten through the latter half of our pregnancy due to it's carb-ulous nature.
We passed on Zohan and the Love Guru. I'm convinced that Adam Sandler and Mike Meyers must be on the verge of foreclosure and just need some fast money to get the creditors off their backs. It's the only reason that I can come up with that they are wasting celluloid and theater space with these ... movies.
We also passed on Jack Black's Nacho Panda Panda Libre Kung-Fu Panda. I just can't make the panda-as-action-hero leap. I usually associate pandas with things that 1) make my wife coo and pet the computer screen, and 2) need zoological pornography to even work up the will to procreate. I'll netflix this one.
We ended up getting tickets for M. Night Shamal Shamyl Shamm S's The Happening. It was a completely different experience from any other MNS movie thus far. When they warned that it was an R rated movie, they weren't kidding. It earned it. The movie was a gratuitous blood bath that sometimes went a bit too far. The Lion scene for example, shameless product placement, and also pointless. It added nothing to the movie other than to pimp the iPhone's embrace of the 3G network. Oh, and to show a zoo keeper get his arms ripped off.
The movie was filled with moments that you can't unsee. Grizzly deaths abound and there is almost an avalanche of bodies. almost as many bodies as random threads never explored or tied up in the end. The good thing is that none of these things really ever pulled me out of the movie. I could buy the fact that the plants were making people kill themselves (not much of a spoiler, the movie almost happily tells you as much in the first 25 minutes) There were no points in the movie to rival the "I don't know who Bob Marley is" scene in I am Legend. (Proof that I can accept almost anything in a movie... almost) Mark Whalberg was funny, sometimes very funny. Better yet, it was intentional this time (*coughROCKSTARcough*). There was a great crazy character who loved his hot dogs. And the killer plant theory is implausible enough that I'm not pouring bleach into my ficus tree's soil. The movie was watchable, and even enjoyable. The twist, is that there isn't one. It's just a gruesome horror flick.
M, Now that you've got this out of your system, can we go back to the way things were? Can our therapists be dead, our peasants, residents of state parks and our aliens be allergic to di-hydrogen oxide?
_______________________________
Speaking of movies, I can't wait to see this one:
My Sleepless Posting
Is it odd that I sleep better with a crying baby close at hand than I do when he and my wife are 200 miles away?
My Home, Alone
I returned home early from the trip to end my paternity leave in the morning. Jenn and Jack are still out in the sticks. I'll see them again Tuesday, but miss them already.
Time for Bed. Up at 5ish
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