My Weightloss Guide (Circa 2006)

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

So you wanna lose a few extra pounds, or maybe more. Maybe you are carrying around a spare tire, a small child or even your twin in the folds of your jeans. Don't worry. Weight loss and the picture perfect skeletal framed you is just around the corner.

If you are going to lose significant amounts of weight in a short period of time, you are going to have to get organized and act decisively. The truth is, if you have less than a week to lose a dozen pounds, you need to be prepared to take some drastic action. To that end, I have only suggestion. Illicit drugs. Sure, they are illegal, addictive and as likely to take your life as they are to cause the pounds to melt away. If you do decide to go this route, I would like to submit to you cocaine and crystal meth. Just think "Whitney Houston".

Another viable option if you are not as pressed for time is anorexia. Really, if you are thinking Jack Skellington without the risk of jail time or getting a nasty VD from your dealer, anorexia is your best choice. Like everything in life, it does have it's risks... just ask Karen Carpenter.

As diseases and maladies go, Anorexia is coming back into vogue with famous adherents such as Lindsey Lohan, Wonder Twin Mary Kate Olsen and Posh Spice Victoria Beckham. Unfortunately for Tracy Gold, she fell out of love with food during the Magic Johnson 'AIDS Era', and couldn't entirely capitalize on her body turning in and feeding on itself.

If these options aren't entirely appealing to you, then I put forth this quick guide to wasting away without the fuss and muss.

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

While a life in the Tabloids with the likes of Bobby Brown is an attractive offer, the sheer amounts of phen-phen and laxatives that you'd have to consume would be a considerable barrier to entry. What you might want to consider, after you have tried every fad diet, miracle pill and snake oil salesmen is an artfully orchestrated balance between diet and exercise.

Lets begin with exercise.

Basic principle. You are not Lance Armstrong. You either have too many or too few testicles and lets not even think about those love handles. It's more cushion for the pushin', true, but you aren't going to drag that ass across the finish line for a win at the Tour de France. Not this year. So lets be reasonable. How about a walk? Get out, get some fresh air and lets get on this whole health kick. If you want to spice it up, try some speed or power walking. If you have been hitting the yohimbe bark and feel adventurous, toss in some spurts of Jogging.

The key is this: Don't over do it.

Sure pain is weakness leaving the body, but if that pain lasts for 4 days or when the the weakness leaves, it takes a pint of blood with it, you aren't going to do yourself any good. Start slow. Join a gym, take a kick boxing class, get a walking buddy. Dogs are good for that. So are girlfriends. At least, that's what I hear.

Exercise, Do it. Something is better than nothing.

This brings us to diet. I don't care if you are training for the Boston Marathon, if Mrs. Freshley and Mrs. Butterworth are moving into prime real-estate on your ass, you are never going to lose any meaningful weight. In fact, it is a safe bet that you are going to spend life as a slovenly mess, get diabetes, lose both legs and die alone on your couch only to be found weeks later by a dozen firefighters and police officers investigating a report of a foul smell. Yes, it happens.

And it can happen to you.

While amputation and decomposition are effective in losing weight, they are even rougher than the phen-phen and laxatives. Instead you might want to apply a few of these rules to your diet.

1. If it is soda, pop, soda pop, cola, fizzy or whatever form of liquid sugar you find, it doesn't belong in your body. We use sugar water (D50/D25) to bring back diabetics from the brink of hypoglycemic induced DEATH. For your part, stick with water as a good any time drink.
2. Cutting out red meat isn't a half bad idea. Stick with the lean meats (Turkey, chicken, fish) and no pig. If you need a good reason, go to a pig farm and see how these things live. Trust me, it's not like Charlotte's Web.
3. 2,000 Calories. Its the reccomended diet for a reason. Your body uses a certain number of calories every day. If you use more calories than you consume then you will lose weight. If your body consumes more calories than it has within it, you begin to die. It's a fine line. 1,750-2000 calories should be a good marker for you.
4. Your diet should include several things in every meal. This list is known as the food pyramid. You may have also heard of it being called the Four Basic Food Groups. Pay attention. It's important to get ALL 4. Dairy especially. Keep cheese, milk and yogurt on hand. Have a serving of cheese with dinner (not fried cheese sticks, hippy) Chocolate milk with breakfast, a snack of yogurt/fruit diring the day.
5. Take a multivitamin every day. If you have to keep a bowl of fruit by the door and have your mom hide the vitamins in your morning banana or the hot dog that you sneak in for lunch. This will make sure that you are getting things in your diet like Vitamin b (aids the bodies efforts in absorbing nutrients) and potassium (keeps your heart in good working order, among other odd jobs). And yes, I know you get potassium from bananas and milk as well. I saw Honey, I Shrunk the Parents too.
6. Eat smaller meals more often. if you are eating 400 calories 5 times a day, you are keeping your bodies metabolism fired up and burning like a furnace.
7. Vegitables and fruit never count. Eat as much of those as you want. I never met a person that told me that they would have been a super model if not for that damn broccoli. Just be sure you do count whatever you put on the veggies and fruit, and apple pie doesn't count as apples.
8. Cheat. Pudding is great on occasion. Have a glass of wine, a pint of beer. Build it into the diet. This isn't Fat Camp. You have to like what you are eating if you are going to ever stick with it. Throw yourself a bone every day.

One last note. Like every diet, the results are going to be based on several factors... Specific consumption, daily activity levels and sex being chief among them. I have a job where I walk alot, and am a mid-20s male. I followed the diet for the most part... some days I was great at it, somedays I would join in on a pizza. I lost just over 30 lbs in September.

If you are a female, it will take you longer to lose weight than a male. It's not your fault. It is the way that evolution has caused your body to sustain weight. In the eyes of evolution, you need to be able to provide offspring in feast or famine. if you are starving to death, you can't pop out the babies and the species dies. This is why it is tougher for you to lose weight. It really is a good thing.

As in all things, consult a physician before participating in any type of metabolic activity or anything else you feel like doing. It's your body, but I don't want you wandering into the ER because you had to act the fool. Capiche?

So you wanna lose a few extra pounds, or maybe more. Maybe you are carrying around a spare tire, a small child or even your twin in the folds of your jeans. Don't worry. Weight loss and the picture perfect skeletal framed you is just around the corner.

If you are going to lose significant amounts of weight in a short period of time, you are going to have to get organized and act decisively. The truth is, if you have less than a week to lose a dozen pounds, you need to be prepared to take some drastic action. To that end, I have only suggestion. Illicit drugs. Sure, they are illegal, addictive and as likely to take your life as they are to cause the pounds to melt away. If you do decide to go this route, I would like to submit to you cocaine and crystal meth. Just think "Whitney Houston".

Another viable option if you are not as pressed for time is anorexia. Really, if you are thinking Jack Skellington without the risk of jail time or getting a nasty VD from your dealer, anorexia is your best choice. Like everything in life, it does have it's risks... just ask Karen Carpenter.

As diseases and maladies go, Anorexia is coming back into vogue with famous adherents such as Lindsey Lohan, Wonder Twin Mary Kate Olsen and Posh Spice Victoria Beckham. Unfortunately for Tracy Gold, she fell out of love with food during the Magic Johnson 'AIDS Era', and couldn't entirely capitalize on her body turning in and feeding on itself.

If these options aren't entirely appealing to you, then I put forth this quick guide to wasting away without the fuss and muss.

The Completely Inappropriate Guide to Losing Weight while not ending up like Whitney Houston

While a life in the Tabloids with the likes of Bobby Brown is an attractive offer, the sheer amounts of phen-phen and laxatives that you'd have to consume would be a considerable barrier to entry. What you might want to consider, after you have tried every fad diet, miracle pill and snake oil salesmen is an artfully orchestrated balance between diet and exercise.

Lets begin with exercise.

Basic principle. You are not Lance Armstrong. You either have too many or too few testicles and lets not even think about those love handles. It's more cushion for the pushin', true, but you aren't going to drag that ass across the finish line for a win at the Tour de France. Not this year. So lets be reasonable. How about a walk? Get out, get some fresh air and lets get on this whole health kick. If you want to spice it up, try some speed or power walking. If you have been hitting the yohimbe bark and feel adventurous, toss in some spurts of Jogging.

The key is this: Don't over do it.

Sure pain is weakness leaving the body, but if that pain lasts for 4 days or when the the weakness leaves, it takes a pint of blood with it, you aren't going to do yourself any good. Start slow. Join a gym, take a kick boxing class, get a walking buddy. Dogs are good for that. So are girlfriends. At least, that's what I hear.

Exercise, Do it. Something is better than nothing.

This brings us to diet. I don't care if you are training for the Boston Marathon, if Mrs. Freshley and Mrs. Butterworth are moving into prime real-estate on your ass, you are never going to lose any meaningful weight. In fact, it is a safe bet that you are going to spend life as a slovenly mess, get diabetes, lose both legs and die alone on your couch only to be found weeks later by a dozen firefighters and police officers investigating a report of a foul smell. Yes, it happens.

And it can happen to you.

While amputation and decomposition are effective in losing weight, they are even rougher than the phen-phen and laxatives. Instead you might want to apply a few of these rules to your diet.

1. If it is soda, pop, soda pop, cola, fizzy or whatever form of liquid sugar you find, it doesn't belong in your body. We use sugar water (D50/D25) to bring back diabetics from the brink of hypoglycemic induced DEATH. For your part, stick with water as a good any time drink.
2. Cutting out red meat isn't a half bad idea. Stick with the lean meats (Turkey, chicken, fish) and no pig. If you need a good reason, go to a pig farm and see how these things live. Trust me, it's not like Charlotte's Web.
3. 2,000 Calories. Its the reccomended diet for a reason. Your body uses a certain number of calories every day. If you use more calories than you consume then you will lose weight. If your body consumes more calories than it has within it, you begin to die. It's a fine line. 1,750-2000 calories should be a good marker for you.
4. Your diet should include several things in every meal. This list is known as the food pyramid. You may have also heard of it being called the Four Basic Food Groups. Pay attention. It's important to get ALL 4. Dairy especially. Keep cheese, milk and yogurt on hand. Have a serving of cheese with dinner (not fried cheese sticks, hippy) Chocolate milk with breakfast, a snack of yogurt/fruit diring the day.
5. Take a multivitamin every day. If you have to keep a bowl of fruit by the door and have your mom hide the vitamins in your morning banana or the hot dog that you sneak in for lunch. This will make sure that you are getting things in your diet like Vitamin b (aids the bodies efforts in absorbing nutrients) and potassium (keeps your heart in good working order, among other odd jobs). And yes, I know you get potassium from bananas and milk as well. I saw Honey, I Shrunk the Parents too.
6. Eat smaller meals more often. if you are eating 400 calories 5 times a day, you are keeping your bodies metabolism fired up and burning like a furnace.
7. Vegitables and fruit never count. Eat as much of those as you want. I never met a person that told me that they would have been a super model if not for that damn broccoli. Just be sure you do count whatever you put on the veggies and fruit, and apple pie doesn't count as apples.
8. Cheat. Pudding is great on occasion. Have a glass of wine, a pint of beer. Build it into the diet. This isn't Fat Camp. You have to like what you are eating if you are going to ever stick with it. Throw yourself a bone every day.

One last note. Like every diet, the results are going to be based on several factors... Specific consumption, daily activity levels and sex being chief among them. I have a job where I walk alot, and am a mid-20s male. I followed the diet for the most part... some days I was great at it, somedays I would join in on a pizza. I lost just over 30 lbs in September.

If you are a female, it will take you longer to lose weight than a male. It's not your fault. It is the way that evolution has caused your body to sustain weight. In the eyes of evolution, you need to be able to provide offspring in feast or famine. if you are starving to death, you can't pop out the babies and the species dies. This is why it is tougher for you to lose weight. It really is a good thing.

As in all things, consult a physician before participating in any type of metabolic activity or anything else you feel like doing. It's your body, but I don't want you wandering into the ER because you had to act the fool. Capiche?