Yellow Blog Journalism

My Role: Schrodinger's Dad

After riding in the car with my son in the back seat, I've concluded that according to his point of view, my existence or non-existence is directly related to his ability to see or not see me at any given time. Also, I've found that if I don't exist for more than a few seconds to a few minutes, my son begins a sort of mournful wailing that can only be cured by my sudden renewed existence...usually with food and a clean diaper in hand.

My Odd Feeling

It's weird to think of myself as a parent... I figure it is roughly comparable to thinking of myself as a bidet owner. Just odd.

My Vacation

I never ever ever ever want to be a single parent. EVER. This is nothing new, but it certainly was reinforced by taking a road trip with JP3 to Tybee Island. I depend so much more on my wife than I am willing to admit.

That being said, I had a great trip. I got some good sleep worked in, reminiscent of my bachelorhood where I slept on anything and everything but beds. I ate well, and ate cheap. I listened to the waves and took the brine-y air deep into my lungs. I even got to read a crazy (and not in a good way) book.

Our Night

After watching When Harry Met Sally, Jenn and I made our way to our Netflix account to make some new additions and,unbeknownst to us, get pulled into a Sesame Street time-warp. We started off with the Honker-Duckie-Dinger Jamboree, watched the Yipping Martians talk with a telephone and then land at Old MacDonalds Farm. Finally Grover waited on his ever-victimized-patron, assaulting him with a Giant Hamburger.

It's amazing how watchable the old Sesame Street is. If you compare it with anything offered up on kids television today, including Sesame Street, you can't help but notice the lack of quality. It's like they're not even trying anymore. What is worse is that more children are being left infront of the television than ever before. Garbage in, garbage out.

My Weekend with the Family

This weekend saw something unprecedented. I turned off my phone, I put away the computer and I didn't miss them (much). I've got to face the fact that I am never going to have the time that I would like to be the kind of husband and father that I would like to be. I'm trying to work on finding ways to maximize the time that I have with Jenn and JP3 while reorganizing my schedule to reflect the fact that my vocation is tied up intimately with them, not as an employee of whatever INC. I happen to be getting a check from. One takes precedence over the other. My latest offering to that cause was to unplug for a weekend and try and spend some extra time and care on my wife.

It turns out that Jenn and I are dating more now, post-baby, than we ever have before. When we were dating, we were like a married couple-staying in and watching videos-now we are more like a dating couple-going to restaurants and movies. Saturday nights offerings involved the Amsterdam Café and Hancock.

The food was great and the movie was refreshing. It wasn't something that is going to walk away with an Oscar, but who cares? It wasn't an attempt at film-as-art. It was a Bum-as-Hero movie and it made it work while not giving anyone nightmares. Oh, and I haven't mentioned it yet, today, but my wife is hot. Seriously.

Post-date Jenn and I sat out on the deck of the hotel where we were staying(we had the same room from the night that we got married) talking over cherry coke and gummy worms. We decided that the Gummy Bear franchise was much more valuable than the gummy worms could ever have been.

All in all, it was a great weekend. The final capstone was running into the freshly-ordained Fr. Neil "Dobbs" at the Cathedral. I'm glad to see that he is beginning his priestly ministry and doing so around the corner from my apartment.

My Morning Radio II

Friday Morning I listened to the second half of Andy Stanley's sermon on cheating. He is taking his references from the book of Daniel, essentially a young man who is forced to choose between his "employer" (master, more accurately) and his God. He had to decide between risking his life and risking his soul. Now, I've never been put in a situation where I had to choose between my soul and my neck, but I have had to choose between my soul and a job, my soul and a relationship, my soul and a drink, and I've had to choose between my soul and a lifestyle. More often than I care to admit, I've chosen the wrong option, but even when I haven't, the decision is difficult.

I was reading a book, the chapter that I was flipping through talked about St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Jesuits,  and came across one of the statements from his companions that his early life had been marked by possessing the faith but never fully applying it. He never really smoked what he was selling until his famous conversion in the hospitals after being shot by a cannon ball.

Faith, well practiced, usually begins with a buy in. It takes a decision to act and then to take definitive action. Often times this definitive action will hang out out over a ledge and when that has happened to me, I've felt like I've been hung out to dry. But what happens if I hang out over the edge, and I wait, just wait for God to do his thing. The Almighty is in the business of salvation, but I keep saving myself. What happens if you just hold the uneven and difficult ground with no plan to get back to a more stable place?

So in a few different areas of my life, I'm hanging out over the ledge. I look to the mountains. From where does my help come from?

My Morning Radio

I was out the door a bit early this morning and caught this sermon (remember my curious radio preacher addiction?) by Andy Stanley. Unfortunately I only had about 12 minutes of listening time before I was out of the broadcast area of the station (maybe I drive too fast) but caught one big pearl that I've been chewing on for the last two hours. The problem isn't that we need better schedules. The problem isn't that we need better discipline (though it couldn't hurt). The problem is that we need more time in the day. We need to do less and do it better. Something is going to have to be left undone. Someone is going to have to be cheated.

I know that I have this problem. In fact, I've always had this problem. I used to cheat everything else in my life for work. Now I'm better at dividing up the cheating. I work less and give more at home, but I also cheat my wife to focus on my son, cheat my son to fucus on my wife, cheat them both to fool around on the internet. Chores get done occasionally and get done well less often. But someone and usually everyone is going to get cheated because I do too much. I can't add hours into the day so attacking the problem from that angle is not my solution. My solution has to be priorities. When work is calling, the baby is crying and it's my turn to cook dinner, what do I choose?

Of course priorities is never one thing to the exclusion of the other, but things do take precidence. And things interact. I have to bring home a pay check. If I don't, it will rock my world and my wife's for many reasons. I can't let the baby cry even though Jenn and I are trying to have some quiet time. Unfortunately, Jenn seems to be the one that will get cheated more often than not. What makes this worse than the initial gut punch of realizing that I am cheating my wife for so many lesser reasons is the fact that she is the person that I am tied to with a sacramental bond. Closer than blood, it's a bond that is tied up in both of our redemptions. And I cheat that bond for a paycheck. Damn.

But is there an answer?

I don't think that there is a perfect answer. I can make progress, but all along the way we are going to need to forgive eachother for alot of cheating. Not infidelity of intimacy, but of attention. I need to learn to cheat everything else more than her.

Edit: I just found out there is a book. Apparently 'He who listens to the whole pod-cast gains enlightenment'.

My Cellular Popcorn - a Conversation Snippet

the video

My Wife and My Pants

My Sleepless Posting

Is it odd that I sleep better with a crying baby close at hand than I do when he and my wife are 200 miles away?